Letter in the Sand.

I don't know if this will find someone's eyes. I don't know if I want it to.

What will they think? Will they judge me?

Will they believe me to be insane?

Maybe I am but im just running from it.

Maybe I am trying to hide it under the surface by piling on normalicy such as interests in things

Things that people find fun. Find normal. Maybe I am hiding it by smiling through things when I dont feel like smiling.

Does that make me insane?

Mad?

Different?

Will I be judged on my thoughts alone or will they judge me by my actions and the lack of action I took when I felt it to be right?

Will I be remembered for what I did as good or will I be forgotten altogeher and when a wind carries my name into someones mind, they recall the fact that I was not like the rest?

I find these words enter my mind a lot these days. Thats not true. Its not just these days. Its most days and have been since I was younger. What would happen to me when I go? Will I burn for what I did in that instance or would I burn for the other things I have done in life? Would I be judged for one action more so than the others or would they all be equally bad?

I believe I have done good in my life. But I also know that I have done good to make up for the bad I have done, said, felt, and thought. I would argue that felt and thought are not fair to be judged on too much because it didnt always lead to actions and that has to speak for something right?

Self control? Morality?

Do I have that? Do I believe in that?

What is morality? Whose morals? Yours? Mine? Theirs? His? Hers? Ours?

But if we say morality is a generality then why doesnt each culture have the same belief?

Is one more moral than the other? What makes it more so good than the other?

Do we believe ourselves to be the pinnacle of moral?

I think that question scares me a lot. If this is the superior mindset and morality to live my life off of then I fear I will never make it to the gates of Heaven. I see men kill eachother because of things that I find worth less than the effort of tying a shoe. Which I believe says a lot because a lot of the time, I am barefoot.

I wonder if people have converations with God anymore? This isnt a religious lettter nor is it a sermon for you to believe what I believe. What even do I believe in? But I don't think the people of this place speak to any God. They speak for themsevles and justify their actions in their own self promoting egotistical minded beliefs. They tell me who I am to be and how I am to act because its what is normal. Its right or its wrong.

Does it make me bad to not follow this?

This is not a question of political left or right. This is actually so far from political.

They isnt a political entity...Its people. They, the people, the masses around me that hold their internal jury and court to figure out if I am to be executed and crucified at the stake of man because I believe differently.

Do you hold this court in your head about me as you read these words?

I wonder if you would tell me the truth. I dont think you would to be honest.

I dont think you would be honest.

I wonder if you would find it odd that I talk to myself. You laugh but As you read these words, I am talking to myself. I dont even know if you would even find me. This is a letter to no one at the time of me writing it. This is a letter to myself to be sent off and to be found if the tides were to make it possible to find you - anyone.

I speak to myself sometimes because I know no one else is listening to me. I have watched my words fall on deaf ears as someone looks away from me as I am speaking. I watched their eyes look past me and their mouths start to move in preparation for their next words before I have even finished my sentence. I have often stopped speaking half-way through a sentence just to see if someone is paying attention and they continue to speak as if I have saidf something of worth.

It is a very interesting thing to watch.

I used to be mad when it happened but I have found madness doesnt do anything for me

Does that help you answer the question of "am I mad?" Maybe you dont think I am angry mad but you think I am mad and my mind is slipping?

I have asked that question many times before but I often forget the answer.

I know my mind is slipping but I have forgotten when I started.

I often wonder if I will forget my name one day.

If you think about it, you probably dont even know my name.

There are very few who know my name. If you know one of my names, you think you know the other two and I would love to know what you thought when I told you you were wrong.

If you are someone who knows me from my youth,

I wish we could go back to those days because It was a time that I could control mywelf more easily.

I knew my name and I knew where I was. I knew who I was and I knew what I was doing.

Time began to work on me and life took hits against me and took pieces of me as payment to continue the path I chose. I did not get forced into the life I chose.

Oh quite the opposite honestly. I pleaded for it. I begged for it. I worked for it. I desired it. I hungered for it. I dreamt about it. The funny thing about that is one day, I got it.

Payment for such a dream is not sweat and time, its blood, tears, and skin in the game. Your mind. Your sanity.

Does this answer the question of if im insane?

I dont believe it does still to be honest. I think that it tells the length Id go to achieve what I desired most in life.

Some would say that this is insanity but I think its just life?

This life is so short people say. Its even shorter if you die young. But thats an obvious statement if you ask me. However, how does one person who is still alive decades longer than someone else say that its such a short life. How do we judge time so easily but then those same people will say what a long day they had. Funny to me.

Is there a time that is too short but then if you go past it, its worth saying its a long time? Another random question that I often wonder about. How soon is it to say the good die young and the evil will live long enough to watch the good in their life pass? You would think that the good die old and watch their lives florish and grow into something beautiful while the wicked fail to grow enough to see even a pedal sprout from their stems. I guess we can chalk that up to me being wrong again.

Have you made your verdict yet? Do you think I deserve to be burning because I wasnt forced into a life that I chose and I became someone that was the product of my own doing?

I have to laugh at myself because I say often, "I wonder" or "I wander". These two statements explain so much and open up so many questions for me. Where am I heading and why do I care so much. Maybe I dont care in the sense of will i be judged by you if I do this or that. But can I explain it to myself that this is what I wanted or was this something i wondered if it would be right or wrong in the eyes of some unknown person in my life that would one day stand in front of me and pass judgement onto me?

We are equal. Not you and I. But I and Me.

you forget, Im not talking to you, Im talking to me.

You dont exsit right now. I do. We do. They do. You?

I wonder if you'll even find this letter in my lifetime.

I wonder if you will read the words or if youll just toss it to the side and call it the ramblings of a crazy man who lost himself long ago and is just talking to himself; I wouldnt blame you.

We are all on borrowed time and someone is counting the grains of sand that fill our hourglass and one day, we all run out of it. One that day, I wonder if you will think of the words you read from that man and youll finally understand that there was once a moment that he didnt want to die but he didnt want to live like that.